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"In the room the women come and go Talking of Michaelangelo" -T S Eliot-1-9:30 pm in Park Street,goodnightthe shadows spy with furtive looks….the shadows spin beneath the street lightsand create a sonata in smokeis this the wayit should all end?is this the waywe should partand promise to stay aparttill death brings us together again?-2-rain girl,I’m walking awayall alone into the nightbeneath the stormand glass doors in the wind,let’s travel the nightthrough stallion dreamsyour dreams to my dreamsto our dreams……and dice our destinyon a board of chess-3-riding in a busthat moves through sound and time,I discoverbarren gypsy menmen who carry bombsin their songs,and songstrapped inside glass coffinsin the rainas the pendulum meltsat the refractive pointsin my poem-4-rain girl,you are sleeping in snowbeneath the September moon
rain girl,where is your dream?‘I have lost my dreamto my heart!’rain girl,where is your heart?‘I have lost my heartto a man!’rain girl,where is your man?‘I have lost my manto another girl!’-5-rain girl,let’s hide the eveningin a kiss and sandpapertogether again,let’s sail in moonshinealong the Ganges
on the banks of Kolkatawhen the buildings riselike stone serpentsor policemen walk in sleepand the ashof a few smoked cigarsbuilds a Romeo in silencelet’s drive all night againalong those yellow streetsof vapourglancingat the rain-stained windowsand remembering Eliot’s verses-6-a waiter comes to mewith a neck-tieand a breakfast of bonesthe necklace in bluethrobs in my wet coat pocketrain girl,I’m still standing aloneat the crossing tonightwaitingfor the lights to change
42 comments:
You sent all my bloggy friends the same comment :O Naughty, naughty ^^
Ok, let's see what we have, let's go strophe by strophe:
1 The contrast between shadows and lights, probably replacement for good/bad, together/apart... Unanswered questions, he's searching.
2 Rain, storm, wind, night. You use nature to emphasize how lost the character is, how big and cold and scary the world seems to be for him.
3 This is too vague. Ok, the character is on the move, traveling, but the words seem random, the poem lost its initial drive.
4 Dialoge between the rain girl and the main character. Seems like a dialoge, but its probably a dream and an inner monologue. Well done.
5 Main character is becoming hopeful, imaginative, desires rise, it sounds optimistic again.
6 This is a sort of waking up moment. I don't understand 'breakfast of bomes' (mind explaining?). Nevertheless, it's a good conclusion. I love the twists at the end. So was he in a bar and drunk? Did he sleep and wake up? He's definitely lost and lonely.
Now come to my blog and check my poem. It's shorter. :)
hey Deep,
we were wondering where you'd been. good to see you again and that you're still writing.
as usual its become apparent that you don't really peruse the blogs that you visit and that you're just drumming up visitors to your own blog.
we could be wrong, but if you'd stop for a moment you'd have noticed that we have'nt updated our blog for two months because we've taken a holiday, as per the post that you congratulated us on.
however all is forgiven because you ARE talented (though long-winded; hey, so are we so don't feel bad)
anyhoo, we're on your site now to see what we can see.
you've shortened your writing a bit, Ginsberg must be spinning.
we like it in spite of ourselves. there IS something going on there.
mission accomplished?
..
.ero
Deeptesh, here is my comment. You were at the right spot already. As I said, I moderate comments and my poem is very short, unlike yours :)
I agree with what bARE-eYED sUN said, it's not nice giving compliments without reading. I read your poem on purpouse from the beginning to end and analyzed it and gave you an honest comment.
Don't you like it when someone really reads your poem? Well, blogging is giving and recieving, which means that you should at least read the post you compliment and comment on topic, then your invitation to read your poem would not seem so shallow. I think that's blogging-etiquette as far as I know. Take my words as constructive criticism.
I think your poems are very good and I'm glad that I have come accross your blog. Good luck for your creativity.
I meant: Here is my poem, not comment. Sorry :P
This is interesting, actually. A lot of people attempt this abstract, apparently disconnected imagery. Usually it comes across as very wannabeish, but I'd say this was competently handled!
You had a different style of poetry to me but I also like your style! :)
Keep it up friend! :)
it flowed really well; i loved the lines
and dice our destiny
on a board of chess
so how's JU treating u? wat course r u doing?
I read this poem many times. And here are my comments:
I liked the first part, but the poem somehow seemed to lose the flow in the next few parts. Also, since you are speaking of shadows in the plural, it would be "create a sonata" and not "creates a sonata". Forgive me for this, but I'm a professional proofreader and mistakes catch my eye very easily.
Secondly, it never snows in Kolkata, so don't use the image of snow. Hailstorm, rain...these will do, but snow? ("you are sleeping in snow
beneath the September moon") Or is there a hidden meaning intended?
Lastly, I agree fully with MKL. One should really read a blog and then post honest comments, and not just shower blind adulation.
@ MKL
I luv the way u analyse it in parts like a matured critic!'The breakfast in bones' is a part of the surreal dream sequence and then comes the jolt of waking up!n I did chk ur poem and leave my comment. :-)
@ ero
Not really! I do read the blogs I visit though I don't always leave comments.Your post really interested me but I don't bother too much about dates.i didn't notice it!n I always luv ur comments as they are so incisive!May I ask why have u stopped blogging of late?That's a pity!
@ MKL
Well, I said this before.It's not that I use blogs merely to propagate my own.I do read posts n what I learn from others helps me as a writer as well!I don't always leave comments.But when I leave a comment asking people to see my blog, I sometimes hastily leave the same comment.But then again, it's not true that i don't read posts.Anyway, I'll make sure people don't have the same complaints against me the next time around.
@ Anushka
Thanks u!I agree there's a fine line between the surreal and utter nonsense.
@ JM B E
Thanks a lot!
@ sujaan
Thanks scientist!JU is grt!I'm doing a BA in English
@ Aparajita
U r right about the third person singular number grammatical rule!In fact, I corrected it in my rough draft when I changed 'shadow' to 'shadows' but somehow I forgot to change it in the final copy.I've changed it now.But then again, the beauty of poetry is such that it transcends beyond the narrow realms of grammatical theory and poets often ignore such a rule for metrical beauty!I once did it in a poem on my blog n also mentioned it in a footnote.But this, I admit was unintentional, which is why I've changed it.
Secondly, I beg to differ with u on the 'snow'.I often use the 'moon', 'rain' or snow' in poetry as a surreal bit and here it was only a part of the occult dream sequence.Thus the poem moves in n out of it's actual setting 'Kolkata' n the surreal dream which creates the effect.Please don't take it literally.
And thirdly,I reiterate that I might at times leave the same comment at places in great haste but it's never true that I don't read blogs.I must add that I am an avid reader and take great pains to read all what I can lay my hands upon and only compose as less as once a month these days.
@ Anushka
* thank u
Ok, Deeptesh. I understand you better now. Thank you for commenting on my blog, too. And good luck with your poems :)
@ MKl
Thanks.I'll add u to my bloglist.I don't have u there, do I?
@ Rudrani
Thanks!
find ur style of poetry very similar to inam hussian mullik...well written....
I take that as a compliment.For I've been often accused of that and I think I've overcome that influence.Of course Inam da is a genius!
amazing as usual, deep:
and dice our destiny
on a board of chess
love this line especially!
not sure if you meant for this, but it harkens back to some classical film.. with the chess board and the man playing with Death. it's a movie called seventh seal. very existential. from france!
also like your references to kolkata and india and reference to color in: those yellow streets / of vapour
I am deeptishified.
deeptesh dis is d 1st tym ive entered ur cyberworld of imaginations and to be precise "parrting at parkstreet" was rather a poem of poetic reunion for me although d word parting might have appeared. i feel dat at some point all poets are vagabond and so are you but this poem talks of uniting those old forgotten ties dat holds a man to his roots...the presence of the woman in the poem to me is another agent in this huge workshop of unity. individual and individualism i feel are very much a part of your poetry.
god bless u!!..u r truly talented n keep writing more often..god bless yet again!!..
@ floreta
Well, I haven't seen that film but I've, as u guessed, used the imagery of chess to denote a strategical game of fate.And Kolkata has always been my poetic obsession!
@ Dipankar
n I'm flattered!!
@ reeju
That's a very interesting point.Some incisive and unorthodox research work that....more like a critic, eh?Anyway, I like it n thanks for visiting me.
@ Amrita
Thank u.I'll check ur blog soon! :-)
Hello, you have the most fabulously wonderful site here and I had to leave this comment for you ! Your posts are beautifully written, creative and original too, and you have interesting pictures.
It's all perfect !
Thank you for sharing your site and best wishes.... 'Happy September'....
eliot has you i see.
... or perhaps another eliot in making?
let us remember eliot's verses and the women who talk of michaelangelo.
Deep,
This is another cool poem. I like the way you ended this poem. There is drama in the last stanza.
Standing alone would be the realistic scene in this poem. It reflects the truth in a reality of life. We have always been alone, but there are times where we could be with another person. All it takes is a sign. That sign in this poem is the changing of the lights.
Z
Like most poets, you do not know what you are talking about. But this poem is much better than the common run of modern poems.
@ Elisie
Lols...thanks a lot.
@ zorlone
Luv the way u philosophise here, doc.Hats off to you!!
@ jupta
Poets don't know what they talk about?Pls explain....Can't u live without your philosophies for a sigle minute?Not even for a change?
An amazing poem.. it completely flowed for me :)
I quite liked it...soft, sweet and dulcet...good sense of rhythm, omissions (syntactic)are effective...u have a nice grasp over poetic idiom...now the flip-sides...according to me, the jerks are missing, I do not think poetry should only read as a joyride. words have their secret pains..wounds..cut them open...let the words bleed and a strangely powerful beauty would arrive...poetic language can become more deviational, images can get starker...another thing---the influences, they are telling! a true literary continuity is one through a break, a cut from the apriori..even Eliot would agree here...but you have the promise...work on...do not just be an Eliot, but also a Rimbaud and a Celan...ALL THE BEST---Arka Chattopadhyay
My favourite lines
"the shadows spin
beneath the street lights
and create a sonata in smoke"
I love the image a sonata in smoke
Great poem
Nice! Very dreamy.
Ur feeling of parting really touched me and seemed like dat i parted wid sum1.......true feelings really come out from heart and dis was really a piece of a feeling dat pierced ur heart and came out show d people how truly parting hurts ones heart so painfully..........i dunn wanna b emo so...grtzz on ur poem and continue 2 write sum more feelings which touches man's heart.....
a true masterpiece is the least what i have to say...especially the well crafted metaphors and the portion where the rain girl is being questioned and she answers. The flow is constant and the movement from one frame to another very smooth...
Nice job, my friend...
Keep Writing!
Wishing you good luck!
Sourik
Hello.
I reached. Finally.
You are quite in flames.
Hi! Sorry, couldn't comment earlier... Hmm... So abstract images once splattered all around on bodies of words again that drift away yet get clung to one another like water droplets sluicing on a window pane. These lines remind me of rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam:
"and dice our destiny
on a board of chess"
Profound philosophy...
Keep writing, buddy.
@ Robin
Thanks mate!
@ windless
Thank u for ur invaluable suggestions.Eliot is my favourite but I'm reading other poets as well.
@ Marja
Thank u so much!
@ Michiel
Thanks
@ Srayan
Very incisive indeed!Never knew u can feel the emotions so well.....
@ sourik
Oh! I'm honoured!
@ Quince
Thanks.I need water, I guess....
@ Saimadi
Oh!Quite a comparison that!!I'm sooo glad!
hey deeptesh I loved itd ending...the tragedy qite at the end was the most touching...looks like parting with someone has had a prolonged effect in you...if so..its gr8...I wud luv to read more of these....keep going...
This is gorgeous. :)
Hi Deep,
It might take me a while to get around to reading/commenting and even writing blog posts. I'm really busy right now.
Anyway, down to business:
The second "verse" of this poem is my favorite, and the lines:
"and dice our destiny
on a board of chess"
are terrific. Once again, your use of metaphor shines in this piece. Mixing tokens of different games together really drives home a feeling of some sort of awkwardness, as if perhaps the characters don't fit somewhere or maybe with each other. I'm not sure the exact interpretation you are going for, but the effect works very well.
@ subham
Good point there!
@ siras
thanks
@ Sunshine]
Well, I've given the interpretation while responding to Floreta.Interesting that so many people enjoyed these lines!Hope u r doing well.Good luck. :-)
If only I could read with my eyes closed so I may better reflect upon the images you paint with your words.
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